Times Have Changed                                             Summer 1998

Skills and Philosophies to Help Educators
Times Have changed!
Dealing with Angry & Difficult People

Skills and Philosophies to Help Educators

In 1972, when I began teaching at Dunstan Junior High School, there was no phone in my classroom or office. Teachers shared a handful of phones with secretaries and counselors. That worked well because we rarely had calls. The few calls we did receive from parents were usually offers to bring cakes to "Family Fun Night" or to express gratitude for the wonderful job we were doing with their children. I do not remember any negative interactions! (My memory could be fallible, but you get the point.)

Times have changed! Today Dunstan has phones in all but one classroom! I teach at Chatfield High School now, and we too have just had phones installed in every room.

Communication and teamwork between teachers and parents have been stressed in districts throughout the country, which is evidenced by this visible increase in telephones.

Another thing that has changed, is that the communications have not remained so positive between teachers and parents. (This is a wild understatement.) Most teachers can recount many experiences of unpleasant interactions with parents, on the phone or in conferences. I've had parents ask me to raise their child's grade, change my philosophy to theirs, and to stop showing the films and inviting the speakers I had chosen to support my curriculum. A colleague just shared with me that a parent called asking how he could "negotiate" to raise his child's grade from a "C" to a "B".

Whereas no one would argue the value of improving communication between the home and the school, how it is done is key to our success. And, it has become vital for teachers to develop new skills for meeting the demands of increased communication with parents, especially when dealing with difficult or angry ones. These skills were not taught to us in our teacher preparation classes!

In this issue, I am going to address dealing with angry or difficult parents, as few teachers, no matter how successful or well loved they are by students, seem to be able to escape this experience. In future issues, I will discuss other key communication issues such as soliciting parental help, when and how to inform them of their child's difficulties or successes, and how to communicate in a way that does not cause the child to feel either victimized or relieved of his personal responsibility.

The purpose of anger is to control others by making them afraid. Decide that just because this person may have controlled other people this way, it isn’t going to work with you!

Use door openers and listening techniques:

“Tell me more...” “I’d like to try to understand...” “Is it ok if I write down some notes? I’d like to be sure to get this right... “ “Sounds like you’re really...”

Find ways to help the person feel adequate.

“Boy, I can see that you really care deeply about your child! He’s lucky you love him so much."

Communicate the desire to cooperate and solve the problem or help the child together. If the person becomes somewhat reasonable and calm, find ways to move to “we”...to form a team. Focus on this rather than on the attack.

“We all feel frustrated, any idea what would help?” “I’m confident we both want...”

Ask permission to give your opinion and suggestions.

“I have a couple of ideas, may I share them?”

Present ideas, alternatives and options for the other person’s consideration.

“Over the years I’ve noticed....” “I’ve seen that...”

Help the person look at the possible consequences of the alternatives.

“What do you think will happen if...?”

Wrap it up:

Give the person permission to resolve or not resolve the problem.

“Good luck with this...”

Reach closure. “I appreciate your calling/coming in.” “I’ll get back with you.” 

© Sally Northway Ogden 1997

This newsletter is designed as a forum for dedicated educators to help us all as we face the difficult issues in today's classrooms. The concepts which I present on these matters are the result of readings, conversations with colleagues, mentors, counselors and other professionals, and the products of experience in the classroom and school. Through this newsletter I will share my thoughts for your consideration. I invite your ideas, suggestions and reactions, as I believe that one path to true growth is thoughtful sharing.

"Together we can dream a new world into reality."  Deepak Chopra

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