Telling Parents Bad News                         Spring 1999

Raising the Odds of a Positive Outcome
The Drama Triangle     

Raising the Odds of a Positive Outcome

An irate student stormed into his high school class and exclaimed to his teacher, "Thanks a lot for getting me kicked out of my house!” The shocked teacher asked, “What are you talking about?” The angry student answered, "You called my dad last night and told him I was failing your class. My dad said he'd had enough of my irresponsibility and told me to find my own place to live. And it's all your fault for calling him!"

Does this scenario sound extreme?   Actually, it's a true account of a real life story which occurred during this school year. Whereas it’s obvious that the student assumed the ever-prevalent victim role, how could the teacher have avoided this situation?

Stephen Karpman published an article in 1968 on the “Drama Triangle” (also called the Karpman Triangle) which helps explain how this bizarre series of events could have happened. He suggests that often in dysfunctional families, three people are involved and they assume roles: that of the persecutor, the victim, and the rescuer. Once involved in the triangle, the roles frequently rotate. The victim can defend himself by attacking back, thus he becomes the persecutor and the persecutor becomes the victim. A third person can enter the situation and attempt to save one or the other, thus becoming the rescuer. People who have been involved in this triangle find it to be their normal reaction to difficult situations, and discover that it is very difficult to remove themselves from the standard roles of it.

So let’s look at what happened to this teacher. The teacher did what he perceived to be his job, and called the parent of the child who was failing. He had no way of knowing that he was stepping into the triangle. Why? Obviously in this family, it was the common mode of operation. Plus, it takes three people to put the triangle in full swing. The teacher was filling the role of the persecutor of the child. Obviously, when the child got home, the parent became the persecutor, and the child the victim. (Did mom step in to rescue?) Then, the roles switched, the child returned to school and became the persecutor, making the teacher the victim in this dilemma. Should the teacher attempt to help the child, he would become the rescuer, and likely be attacked by the parent, making him the victim again. Would the teacher at that point go to the principal to be rescued? Seem complicated? It is somewhat, but it happens all the time! The movies One True Thing and Ordinary People are based on it!

How can this all be avoided? Well, there are no total guarantees, but here's a way to raise the odds for a positive experience for the teacher. Limit the communication to two people! The triangle is based on three. Invite the student to tell his parent he’s failing. That way the teacher is left out of the triangle. Give the child a choice, while staying calm and empathetic. This will empower the child and probably diminish his anger at the teacher. Say, “I bet this whole deal is hard on you, and I’m really sorry to see that happen. Would you like to call your parent from here, or talk to him at home tonight? I can’t wait to have you back in class as soon as your parent has signed this form which you’ve filled out, explaining why you’re not currently getting a passing grade. Feel free to tell your dad about your plans for improvement, because most parents respond better when they hear that kind of thing. There’s a place on the form for this information. Good luck with this! I hope this all works out ok for you!”

The student may still choose to blame, but the parent is not as likely to attack the teacher, nor is the child. The parent is liable to attack the child instead, and the child has to rescue himself somehow. All the dynamics should go on between the child and the parent!

Here's a sample from you might use:

My grade in ___________ currently is ____. I have _____ missing assignments, _____ tardies, _______ unexcused absences. My homework grade is _____, test grade is ____. My behavior in class has been _______. In order to pass for the semester, I need to _____________. Therefore, my plan is to ____________________.

Signature of student_______________Date__________

Signature of teacher_______________Date__________

Signature of parent________________Date___________

"YOU MUST BE THE CHANGE YOU WISH TO SEE IN THE WORLD"     Gandhi

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